Cruise from hell? Let them eat Spam!

The Carnival cruise ship, Carnival Splendor, was being towed into Ensenada, Mexico after being stranded at sea with a complement of 3,299 annoyed passengers. Emergency assistance was provided by the United States Coast Guard in the way of massive pallets of Spam and Pop Tarts - and that was for those in the Presidential Suites.

Passengers are reporting it dark and stuffy below decks where the galley slaves and oarsmen are.

Free fishing line and hooks are being passed out by Carnival Cruise Lines for those in the cheap seats, encouraging them to eat more fish for good health.

Two Mexican ocean going tugboats were dispatched to the so-called luxury ocean liner to tow it to port. After one pass from the downwind side, they decided to regroup and approach from a stench friendlier upwind direction. It is reported that the ‘sanitary facilities’ are up to the gunwhales, but there are plenty of vomit bags for all.

Passengers will be bused to California from Ensenada on a Greyhound convoy - which will probably be a luxury ride after the smelly darkness of the Carnival Splendor.

“We know this has been an extremely trying situation for our guests and we sincerely thank them for their patience,” Carnival President and CEO Gerry Cahill said in the statement. “Conditions on board the ship are very challenging and we sincerely apologize for the discomfort and inconvenience our guests are currently enduring” said Cahill before he left on his private jet to confer on a PR strategy with former BP CEO Tony ‘No Regrets’ Hayward.

Federal investigators will be looking into the causes of the ships problems, including the condition of the hamsters in the engine room/exercise wheels.

-maven